Covert Narcissism: Crazy-Making Mental Abuse
According to an article published on Psychology Today, covert narcissists "represent exaggerated forms of introversion, insecurity and low self worth while displaying grandiose and vain insistence that others are obsessively evaluating them." (Shy, Sensitive, Introverted...and Narcissistic?, Linda Esposito, LCSW). Although covert narcs may not act like the arrogant, aggressive type on the surface, they still embody a predator mentality within. They prey upon you in a stealthy way to make you think you're doing the mental abuse to yourself. They have a way of toying with your mind, which results in you inadvertently taking the blame for their actions and thinking you're the one who needs to change. This is what crazy-making mental abuse from a covert narcissist is about — making you literally feel like the abuse is all in your head — thereby making you feel crazy.
Crazy-Making Mental Abuse is Mind Manipulation
Crazy-making is when the covert narcissist has manipulated your mind so much that it makes you feel like you don't know what's real anymore. You end up thinking that maybe you're just making things up; you must have misinterpreted what the narcissist said or misunderstood what the narcissist did.
Relationship expert and author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. wrote an article in which she described crazy-making as a "behavior that is not logical, not based on truth but on manipulating the other person into feeling wrong and changing their behavior." (Crazy Making, Huffington Post). She also stated, "It's behavior that on the surface is saying one thing but underneath is really saying something else. It's often behavior that is a projection from the person who is crazy-making onto the person who is being crazy-made."
Unfortunately, being crazy-made is often hard to describe to others. This doesn't mean you don't know how to express your thoughts. It simply means that what you're dealing with or have dealt with is so twisted, it's difficult for your sane brain to explain something so insane. Sometimes, it's not until you read or hear about an experience someone else had that you can better express what you've been feeling all along. It's like knowing that another person has gone through a similar circumstance confirms that you're not the crazy one.
I'll give you an example of covert narcissism, crazy-making mental abuse from my past marriage to a narcissistic pastor. One morning, I was doing some writing while my ex-narc was getting ready for work. He asked me about a pair of winter boots and I told him they were in the guest bedroom closet, since that's where all his winter clothing were (a fact he already knew). After finding his boots, he then starts on a yelling rant about how all his winter boots are just stuffed in a closet and my shoes in our main closet are neatly organized. He then proceeds to telling me that I only think about myself and now he's going to be late for work because of me. If only I would have better organized his shoes he wouldn't be running late. In reality, the four or five pairs of boots in that closet were very accessible. Some were on the floor and some on a rack, not stuffed haphazardly as he insinuated. And the shoes he mentioned being better organized in our main bedroom closet also included his shoes, but he conveniently left out this fact.
Sudden Rants: A Covert Narcissistic Tactic to Cast Blame
So what was this rant all about? It was not really about shoes. It was a covert way for him to plant a seed in my mind that I don't care about him; I don't think he's important. It was also a covert narcissistic way to project his low self esteem onto me, and make me responsible for how he feels about himself. Additionally, he wanted me to feel guilty about him potentially being late for work. So that in the event he were to face disciplinary actions, he could say it was my fault. This incident and many of his other sneak attacks made me internalize his covert mentally abusive tactics for a large duration of our marriage. It made me start to think if I really am only thinking of myself and what else I must be doing wrong. I constantly second-guessed my actions and decisions, questioned whether or not I was being a good wife, and spent many hours racking my brain of how I could be better. All the while, I was going deeper into the crazy-making stage of mental abuse.
Don't Go Down the Crazy-Making Rabbit Hole
The longer you stay in an environment with a covert narcissist, the deeper down the crazy-making rabbit hole you will go. Getting a narcissist to realize what he or she is doing is like trying to chase the wind — you will go round and round on the same beaten path without the narcissist ever grasping the sanity of what you're trying to explain. And after you've gotten dizzy on the merry-go-round of frustration, you'll be the one accused of making things difficult; you'll be the crazy one not living in reality.
Sure, sometimes there are exceptions. And your efforts can make a difference in trying to bring logic and reason to the mind of a narcissist. But if your efforts are based on you trying to change your covert narcissistic spouse by your own strength and intelligence, it will never work — only the power of the Holy Spirit can do that. And for the narc to be delivered by the power of the Holy Spirit, the narc has to first surrender in his or her heart. If your plan is that you're going to be the "hero" and fix your narc, you will for sure spiral down the rabbit hole into "crazy-making la la land".
You Can't Fight this Battle On Your Own
If you desire for your marriage to be restored and for your narc spouse to be healed, then let the Most High God be the hero. Crazy-making mental abuse from a covert narcissist is not a battle you can fight on your own; it will weary you out if you attempt to.
If you already know it's God's will and/or your desire to no longer be married to a spouse who has put you through narcissistic abuse to manipulate your mind, but you share children together, you may still desire for your spouse (or ex spouse) to be healed for the sake of your children. If this is the case, the battle is still not yours to fight on your own. Your own strength won't fix the narc to make him or her a better person and parent. The narc has to desire to change, and from there, the Holy Spirit has something to work with to bring about as much change as the narc will allow.
Sometimes you have to let a person go. Not in the sense that you're giving up on him or her because you don't care. But in the sense you can't make a person change if he or she doesn't want to. You have to turn that person over to the Most High. Let go and let God!
Remember, narcissists aren't healthy-minded people. So understand that crazy-making is all about putting you in the same unhealthy state of mind as the crazy-maker. It's about mentally sabotaging you into thinking everything is your fault — that all you have to do is be better and try harder. Let me say this again, you cannot try to fix or change a narcissist by your own power. Finally, don't accept the lie that you're making things up; that you're crazy. Trust and believe that the Most High God has given you a sound mind.
