Narcissistic Love-Bombing: The False Fairy Tale Romance
What is Love-Bombing?
Love-bombing is a tactic that narcissists use to sweep you off your feet in the beginning of a relationship in order to set you up for a let down where the narcissist suddenly withdraws his love. In the short-lived fairly tale phase of the relationship, you may feel like no one has showered you with so much love; no one has ever paid you that much attention; no one has ever been so thoughtful as to constantly contact you. But this showering of love is really about blinding your eyes to red flags. This constant contact and attention is really about monitoring your whereabouts and your actions.
The Difference Between Loving Gestures from a Healthy-Minded Person and a Narcissist
A normal, health-minded guy who is really into you may try to sweep you off your feet to win your love very early on in a relationship. But there's usually a presence of duality and control when these same loving gestures are coming from a narcissist. This duality and control is like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality that can manifest in more stealthy, passive-aggressive ways if you're dealing with a covert narcissist, or in more direct ways if you're dealing with an overt narcissist.
Example of Love-Bombing from a Covert Narcissist
One of the ways a covert narcissist can try to subtly put you under his spell is to mask his desire to have dominion over you in a way that looks like he's concerned about you. For example, he may send you a text message that says, "Hey, I called you yesterday at 5:30 p.m. and you didn't answer. You told me you get off work at 5:00 and it only takes 20 minutes from your job to your apartment. So I figured you would be home by 5:30. Hope you made it home safe. xoxo" At first glance, it may seem like this message is really about the narcissist being concerned. But embedded within the message is the eerie undertones of someone desiring to track your every move.
Like most healthy-minded people, you may feel uneasy with receiving a message like this. But what usually happens is you ignore the gut feeling that something is off because the narcissist is doing other seemingly loving actions like buying you gifts.
Example of Love-Bombing From an Overt Narcissist
Let's say you and your perceived Prince Charming are walking through a mall headed toward a jewelry store. He prompts you to go in and ask you what you like. Before you know it, you're trying on diamond earrings and engagement rings. You're dazzled by all the glitz and can't believe you're so lucky to have a man who spoils you.
But here's where the duality and control kicks in... while you're smiling and being nice to the salesperson, who happens to be a man, your warlock in disguise reprimands you for being flirtatious in an angry, stern manner. You feel shocked and confused at his behavior, and begin to apologize as if you really did something wrong. You probably feel like he's treating you like a child and trying to control you, but at the same time, you're walking out of the store wearing expensive jewelry that he paid for. This display of control is an example of how an overt narcissist can make you feel caught up in a whirlwind romance while simultaneously putting you under his controlling spell.
Things Narcissist Do and Say to Put You Under a Love-Bombing Spell
Some other examples of how a narcissist can try to control you during the love-bombing stage of the relationship include:
1. Telling you you're the One and wanting to rush into marriage while disregarding your desires to include your family and friends, thereby essentially isolating you from anyone who would have your best interest at heart.
2. Telling you all the romantic things he wants to do once the two of you are married, but he can't do them now because it would lead to sex — basically luring you into a commitment under the pretense of righteousness. This tactic was used on me repeatedly when I was dating my now ex pastor-husband. I anticipated feeling cherished once we got married, but instead ended up being an abused pastor's wife.
3. Using the things he buys for you as proof he wants to take care of you and doesn't want you to work; not so you can have the capacity to pursue your calling, but so he can have more control over and use his earning power to grudgingly demonstrate his financial dominance. This was another love-bombing tactic I experienced, which made me feel guilty for not earning enough money during the marriage; yet he was afraid of me leaving the marriage if I got a good-paying job.
These examples may not even begin to scratch the surface of all the love-bombing tactics that narcissists use. But one thing is for certain, and that is, the signs of duality and control are always there, even if they're very subtle. Your body has a way of picking up on the most subtle of signs — it's called a gut feeling, your intuition.
If you can bring yourself to pay attention to those moments when you feel something just isn't right, it will become more clear that your Prince Charming is really an evil minion from the Kingdom of Darkness who's trying to bring you under subjection. He has no intention of continuing to romance you once he feels he has you. So you don't have to spend sleepless nights saying to yourself, "He loves me; he loves me not."
