Pastors Wives Support: Gaslighting Tactics and Symptoms
Have you ever had that feeling in your spirit when you know something isn't right about what someone is saying, but you can't seem to put you finger on it? Perhaps you've encountered someone very skilled at twisting the truth and you unfortunately fell for the lies you were told. If you're married to a pastor or spiritual leader who is constantly twisting truth—whether it be truth of the scriptures or truth of events in your relationship—what you're experiencing is a mentally abusive tactic called gaslighting.
According to Wikipedia, "gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity."
Twisting the truth of scriptures or of a situation is a form of gaslighting because it's to make you doubt the context of what's really being said or taking place, or to doubt the reality of what really took place. From my experience being married to a pastor, his twisting of the scriptures was done in subtle, covert narcissistic ways to align the interpretation of scripture to his own false mindset and grandiose perceptions.
Remember Eve in the garden, the serpent twisted the truth by telling her she will not surely die if she ate of the fruit. Eve didn't see the gaslighting deception at first, but after she ate of the fruit, gave to her husband and their eyes were opened, they realized they were deceived. Much like Eve, you may not detect a subtle twisting of truth in the beginning of a relationship. But the more the relationship progresses, the more your eyes begin to open and you realize the person you're with has a cunning way of twisting things. If you've dealt with this, then you know how this crazy-making mentally abusive tactic can make you feel. You know something isn't right, but you second-guess yourself and think you heard wrong.
Constantly Second-Guessing Yourself is a Symptom of Gaslighting
In my past marriage, I second-guessed myself very often, until I realized what was really taking place. My husband at the time happened to be a pastor and happened to be someone very skilled at what I like to call "mind mending" because of his effortless way of twisting things. Surely, any man or woman can choose to be manipulative; and just like all persons are not the same, not all pastors are the same. But as a former pastor's wife who've dealt with marital abuse, specifically narcissistic abuse, I strongly believe there are many pastors' wives who are experiencing the gaslighting technique of twisting truth.
But pastors' wives, you don't have to suffer in silence. If it has become clear that your spouse uses manipulative tactics to attack you mentally and control you, confront your spouse if you think it wouldn't put your life in danger. Sweeping the issue under a rug or deciding you're just going to live with it is not wise to do. If you do, you will be enabling abusive behavior and not giving your husband a reason to change. You could be the one the Most High wants to use to bring about positive change, so you can have a healthy marriage. Of course, it takes two people willing to work together and not one person making the effort while the other person does lip service.
Discern Whether or Not Your Abuser Really Wants to Change
If you've already been through the confronting stage or have even gone through counseling and your husband is still doing the same old twisting game, it could be very likely he doesn't want to change, and the Most High has given him over to his own folly. If this is the case, it could be your heavenly Father's perfect will for the marriage to dissolve because if you stay in it, you will never come into your purpose and who you were created to be. Keep in mind, you deciding to get married doesn't mean it was also the Most High's will for you to marry that particular person.
On the otherhand, you may see a positive change in your husband but it's not consistent. You get your hopes up and then shortly after, its back to the same old foolishness. If this is the case, you must try very hard to not get wrapped-up in your feelings, which can cause you to only look at things from a natural point of view. Use your spiritual lenses to detect if the little change you see in your husband right now is really sincere and worth your patience to allow him to make a full 180 degree turn.
Examine Yourself: Don't Let Gaslighting Burn a Hole in Your Heart
While you're looking at things from the spirit realm, take some time to examine yourself to make sure you're not holding on to any resentment or unforgiveness. There's a big difference between forgiving your husband for being mentally abusive and tolerating the abuse. Remember, forgiveness doesn't have to mean stay in the relationship, unless you know for sure that's what the Most High is saying to do and not because you're being moved by a false sense of guilt or persuaded by outsiders.
Your Marriage Can Be a Testimony if Your Abuser Changes His Ways
Another factor to consider is that if your husband truly changes his ways and your marriage becomes much more meaningful because of what you've endured, your marriage can be a testimony for those going through similar situations. Your husband can be an example to other men to show that it's possible to be delivered from vices that cause a man to be abusive to his wife, and many marriages could be saved. You could also be an example to show other women that not every rocky marriage plagued with abuse has to end in divorce, because the prayers and strength of a righteous woman is very powerful.
Keep in mind, you having this testimony of how the Most High saved your marriage is only going to be possible if the abuser is willing to change and shows evidence of change. You cannot wish upon a star your husband is going to change when he has not shown you any fruit, as was the case in my past marriage. Remember earlier when I said it may be your heavenly Father's perfect will to not stay in the marriage, otherwise, you will never come into your purpose and who you were created to be, this is my testimony. But you are not me, you are not anyone else—you have to walk in the truth of what the Most High wants for you.
If the gaslighting mental abuse ends, your husband is delivered from strongholds, you are healed from the pain, and the marriage not only stays intact, but flourishes, then that's awesome, awesome, awesome! If the Most High has other plans for you that does not include your current spouse, then don't despair because it didn't work out; don't go into a depression and condemn yourself. The Most High knows what He's doing in your life. Just continue to hold on tight to His hand, and walk in spirit and in truth. In time, you will heal. You will be a more stronger woman of God than you were before.
